XIII. Well, I didn't do much, most of all I modified what I was unsatisfied with yesterday, that's at least that, I'm still kinda unsatisfied but oh well, oh well, oh well. Now moving forward I need to plan my pages a bit more, no more randomly doing, I have some ideas in mind, no ideas if applicable or if they would render well, it's okay, I'll modify as I go, even if I profoundly hate leaving something unfinished. I could've done more actually but spent the entire morning cleaning my pit, rearanging furniture and such. I still wake up too early to spend the whole night alone sadly, I'm gonna try to push a bit more tonight, maybe play the PS3, maybe not, all the games I have either suck or have been 100% to the bone. Ugh you know I really need a new computer, this one is ungodly slow and can't do much. I can emulate PS2 max but the fps is between 20-10 so not the best, even tho I managed to finish both Ratchet&Clank 2 and Deadlocked with that setup, yeah I'm a masochist but I love this game serie. Whatever tomorrow lots of planning and maybe a few editings, I REALLY nee to finish at least the Index page. Seems like heavily focusing on one page at a time is obviously the wiser choice, I can try to mess with "Who am i?" a bit more at leat till the point I'm fully satisfied then move to another, so far I only have a good idea of what "Art" is gonna look like but that's about it.

XII. You know I just thought how stupid the transition between older entries on this page and newer ones, you can definitely tell this thing is doing me good. Tho it's starting to lose steam a bit. I did the "Who am i?" page but I'm kinda unsatisfied on the final product, I'll see what i can do, I need to plan this thing a bit more rather than just roll as it comes. I only have a small map of what i have in mind but not what pages look like so it's really do as it come, I'm no even done with the index page, like said previously I still have crap to add + the new pages that were added today. Regardless decent day, did a bit of mapping today actually, nothing much but good to pass time, I should probably spend more of this time practicing and planning stuff but oh well, that's how I always worked I guess. Tomorrow id another day.

XI. Tiring day, lazy day as well to be honest, didn't get to do that much. Didn't get to do what I wanted anyway, I'll definitely become a supporter once the full page is done so i can gauge how much shits I can still slide. I don't plan for this place to be some sort of gigantic resource hungry place, matter of fact I only drained 0.2% of storage, I should be fine really. Other than that day was pretty boring, I dreamt I found some secret hiding dump of my familly in the sewers, I got to see super old tables and pictures. My dreams are finally not about school anymore, blessing. Spent the rest of the day listening to random shit, I really like Carbonized Organs, really cool noise project from Mexico. Nyway, that's about it. Hopefuly tomorrow i get to finalize the "Who am i?" page.

X. You know what? I'm feeling it with this website. I learned about Neocities from a discord acquaintance, now granted I've always been into artsy shit but never have I ever even thought about coding. I must admit I originally wanted this site to be way smaller in terms of scale and ambitions BUT, after working a bit for the past few days, I'm really snowballing the passion, I haven't mapped in days which is inconceivable, except mapping this site actually but does it count? Besides, I plan on making it go a bit everywhere, sort of like an artistic labyrinth museum. The all encompassing flame of ambition is striking me, hopefully it lasts. Journal page is back to being accessible from the main hub. It's gonna be great, I still have rants, dreams and random shit pages to get back up but oh well, so far so good.

IX. Pretty happy of what i did today. Worked on the site a lot, did some music, laying fundation for some great stuff. First time ina while I'm feeling kinda optimistic about the future, well not really but you get what I mean. Journal is down temporary, well I mean it's still up just not acessible, tho in the near future I might banish this page, or keep it private. Site is approaching 1000 views, eh cool enough, looking in, journaling publicly might not be the most genius of ideas. Anyway... I'm a bit tired, I'll probably spend the rest of the day/evening/night listening to music. It's insanely cold in my bedroom. Future is uncertain, oh well, oh well... Nothing else new.

VIII. I've been meddling with this website for the whole day, I plan on doing a complete rehall of pretty much every page. Might be small periodic ambition/motivation, we'll ee, as for now I'm done with the welcome page. It's nothing much but not too shaby compared to what my commpetences are really. I such at HTM, I should really bother learning more than I do. Anyway, I'm currently reworking on the site's logo, it's gonna be terrific I can already say. As for any news, eh, this was written a day after the previous entry. I haven't even done any maping today surprisingly, fully dedicated to the site, that's refreshing. Hey maybe one day i'll post some of my maps here? Idk, my maps aren't original in any way whatsoever, nor would they really fit in here? I'm not even sure, anyway. I plan on writting a whole "manifesto" and put it on this website, it will include all of my philosophical, political and theological beliefs. Good things ahead (hopefully i'll have time to so).

VII. It has been exactly 44 days since my father passed away... He died in my arms at the hospital. Not even a month after the diagnosis. I'm still recolecting my thoughts about it honestly. It's quite hard to fathom, we had to empty his appartment, having a leather couch in my bedroom feels weird. You know I have so much yet so little to talk about this topic. Recently things have gotten worse, the weight of it all, the cold, God the cold, I'm sweating yet my hands are painfully cold, all the time. I burn my hand under hot sink water otherwise they don't heat, they don't. I'm really angry about my body, very angry, I don't like it and it's basically impossible to change much, either that or it takes fucking ages. I feel so out of touch with the things I like, maping is somehow the last thing I'm still doing, who would've though? Graphic arts, logos, music, all to the drain, I don't even learn anything anymore, it all feels pointless, I don't need to know more about the things I was interested, it'll never change anything.

VI. My days are spent wandering alone on the internet, playing William Basinski on repeat. My dearest dream is for each night to last forever. Sometimes I think about the past with this jejune mysticized lens, Do I regret things? I'm unaware of, perhaps the spoliation of my own life through careful avoidance of the real? My fondest memories all lay on this boundary between consciousness and unconsciousness, between awake and asleep. Forever will I hold this obdurate view of life as an evil force, and forever will I advocate for a total self severation from recognition. The womb is a furnace

V. I'm working on one of my biggest maping project, estimated time is at leat 8 months (and that's if everything goes well). And it's only one half of a fuller project wich in itself is barely 1/10th? of an ultimate project. Maybe hopefully once I'm done with the very first superstep people will join and help me with it, anyway... As for my father well chemo starting soon, that's about it, biding time at best. No pokemon this time, I played Plaguemon and attempted a prof.Oak challenge but this buggy piece of crap kept crashing because the PC is bugged like hell. I'm feeling somewhat okay, probably shouldn't considering the time but oh well, you know me if you've read these by now. We don’t live for goals rather we impose ourselves goals to keep living. Doproxalamine, I dreamt a lot, forgot all. Oh! and my aunt brought me a Telescope, didn't get to use it yet because it's summer and nights in summer are no longer than 2 fucking hours or something, regardless point being I go to bed and wake up when it's too bright for use.

IV. I learned my father got pancreatic cancer, doctor tell 6 months maximum to live but considering he already lost 12 kilos I don't really believe it much... I guess every past iterrations of those depressing pessimistic rants are still standing. 62 years of labor, all for what? Regardless nothing has changed in the past few months since last. Still mapping, still playing pokémon out of all games. Nah I tried other games, they're all boring, tried some ps1 games, some random crap. As for maps I'm working on something big, can't say much, I'm a secretive man on what I work on, well not really but you get the gist of it. And yes no music, fuck that crap. I have a very weird relationship with music, tho, by switching to metal I kinda shot myself in the foot, I just suck at it, I'm not good at guitar nor do I have the patience to practice everyday. Which is weird because I had a brief moent of trying a bunch of music stuff regularly, meh, oh well... The only thing I do consistently everyday at this point is waking up and that's the only thing I'd like not to. God is an evil entity, a vile creature. Isolation is comfortable, it prevents you from suffering.

III. Life is such a profoundly uninteresting thing. Once you understand everything is just added values for survival the cookie kinda crumbles. Yeah whatever, marriage, house, kids... I have no wish nor desire to accomplish anything anymore. I might just brick my hard drive, leave a small note and go away. I'm still kinda scared of death, I could die but it would take me some kind of anger breakdown in order to accomplish. Wish this survival instinct bullshit would dissapear. Anyway, boring week, nothing interesting, dreamt but can't remember anything, didn't even map that much (I'm honestly out of ideas). Tried making music, eh, it's the same old boring shit, producing has become such a chore to do, I've done everything, why bother?

II. There is such a gigantic chasm bewteen me and this world. Deep down I know I was never meant to be here, I am absolutely bewildered at the absurdity of all. We as humans certaintly don't do ourselves any favor, we surely don't seem to actually care about suffering. I don't understand how one could look at this world, look at their life, look at others, and have the audacity to force being into this place. All we are doing is just imposing life upon souls, under the pretext that "it gets better". How can one be happy knowing his entire life was built on a cosmic graveyard? 3.7 giga-annums of a perverse death cycle. I know what I have to do, I don't know when I will do it, I have to do it, This realm is all tiresome.

I. These past few weeks have been both entertaining but kinda draining. First I finished Ratchet & Clank Size matter, well I still have skill points to complete but I couldn't be bothered. I built a homemade nunchaku as well. Full DIY, made out of vineyard wood, I've practiced a bit, it's quite fun to juggle with. Other than that LOTS of mapping, lot's of mapping in the Worlda format. It's pretty cool when making bigass empires, it really changes from the overcomplication of big fomrats like Examap or HEART, both whom I love to use but are super time consuming. As for music, nada, made some trashwave with a friend but that's about it. Tried black metal, gave up halfway because unsatisfied. I'm always really unsatisfied of my work, if it doesn't click instantly, it probably will not in the next 30mins of wasted time trying to make it happen. I did read a lot about occultism and esoteric crap. Not that I care much about those (I kinda do), I mostly read them as a mean to compare with Gnosticism my beloved. At last I've been waking up super early, like midnight early, it's always nice to have the full night for myself, not having to worry about dayfull torments. Though, I wish I never had to wake up.